The Secret's In The Telling

I feel comfortable enough opening up to you here. Well, that's probably because this is my sanctuary and you haven't been given leave to enter. Of course, I give you leave. You can come and see and dissect the pieces of my life if ever you get the urge...But you don't even know about this, do you?
No...and that's why I'm comfortable enough. Maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough to show you what's been written.
But not today.
Today is for truth, the truth I am too afraid to tell you face to face. As open as I am, I fear that at some point you may already have encountered it, even if it was cleverly disguised as something else. But we know each other...we understand each other. At least...we used to.
I fell in love with you five years ago - right about this time of year, in fact. Oh, I knew that I loved you before that and absolutely regardless, but until that point I figured it was rather like admiration or maybe the way I loved my youth leader or my dad - I even told you that, right? Let's just say, though, that my heart never pounded with attraction when I saw my dad first thing in the morning. I may be crazy, but I've never fallen that far.
Damn it. Even now I'm trying to go back and edit so that maybe it won't seem so bad...but I need to do this, and I need to be honest with myself.
Memories fly through my brain at odd times, whenever something happens or is said to remind me of you. Whenever I hear the music you like...whenever I watch the movies you told me about (which is often)...In fact, every time I write in my journal I remember that I never loved to write so much before I met you. I never thought that I had talent before you. I remember the first time we met...random afternoons just staying and talking to you...short little snippets of conversation in the middle of the day.
I remember calling you on a snow day - oh, do you remember who was with me? She was so angry by the end of that conversation. I know because while I was there I talked about doing it for probably an hour or more before I finally got up the nerve to do it.
There's more, so much more...how much do you remember? I know you remember, but most times I wonder if I'm the only one dwelling on the past. Now I can say that I'm not, because the other member of our little trio junior year misses you too...misses us.
That's the other big secret. I miss you. I wish that you were there to tell me that things are going to be okay, to assure me that somewhere in this world there is someone besides my family who actually cares what happens to me. And I wish I could be there to show you the same, because I do. I care about you far more than just about anybody else in my life. It makes me miserable to know you're hurting...
...which is how I get through the excuses most times. Everybody can understand sympathy; what lives inside me, however, nobody can.
Except maybe you.
Я вас люблю.