Some thoughts...

So Rose Banquet was this evening; we sat there and listened to all the littles (and a big or two) talk about their graduating big (or little) and how wonderful they were, etc., ad nauseum, and it was a little painful because a: I didn't get to tell all of these amazing women how their absence would affect me, and b: Their absence is going to affect me. But Julia and I sang and didn't suck, nor did we cry, so all in all I would say it was a pretty successful endeavour.

Sam and I are almost speaking again. I say almost because we have posted on one another's walls in a courteous manner, but it is nowhere near the point where we are calling one another randomly to talk about our days. 'Tis sad, I admit, but I've decided (in fact, did so awhile ago) that I have no desire to worry about the pointless drama that goes on around me.

...I have enough pointless drama of my own.

DZ formal was last night, exactly a week after Chi Phi's formal. I had an amazing time at Chi Phi, drunkenness notwithstanding (children, I am no role model), but last night was lackadaisical to the point of sheer lameness. I kid you (whoever you are) not. It was more awkward...Imagine if you will first, being "asked" to go to a formal with a fraternity brother by his girlfriend, who has another engagement that evening and will not be able to attend until later.

But wait, things get more awkward, I promise. Then, once we're at formal, we proceed to both get ourselves respectably beyond the boundaries of sobriety, and continue past that point at breakneck speed. Through the course of the evening I hear "If I didn't have a girlfriend I'd be flirting with you right now" and "I really wish you were [insert girlfriend's name] right now." Now, none of this would have been particularly awkward for me...

[but, for reasons henceforth not discussed, it was.]

Last night rolls around, and I have not one, but two dates! Hooray for me! So they're both there, resplendent in their blue to match my blue...Alright, enough of that. The point is, I had two dates because I asked the first date out of fear that the second date would say no, then asked the second date when he told me at his formal that he was having a great time and that we should do it again. Okay, confusing enough.

And today my aunt Maryann had a stroke. I'm scared...she's so vivacious, so lively and full of energy...she's one of the tethers holding this family together. I don't want to lose her...I want to be at home right now with the rest of the family, not worrying about finals and papers and all of this other seemingly superficial stuff. I feel like a schmuck for worrying about my (lack of a) love life when she's fighting for her life.

I hate this.

Postscript

Greg and I definitely hit it off. In case anybody's wondering.

I can't wait for July...

Just a note:

You should have gotten that mirror today, because if anybody needs to learn how to laugh at herself it's you.

If you one day realized that the world doesn't revolve around you and that you don't always have to be in charge you would be a happier person. And so would the rest of us, because we wouldn't have to deal with your shit.

I'm definitely not a part of this three-part person anymore. If y'all want to be the same person that's great, but I'm feeling some self-on-self violence coming, and I don't want to be a part of that. Or a part of you.

Too bad we're still sisters. And it's sad that that's how I feel, but it's true.

Happy New Year...

I know it's an odd title...bear with me.

I'm giving up my vices... (It's from RENT.)

I've done a lot of thinking about different things over the past week or so. Really, more since Friday, but who's counting? Certain events have seared themselves in my mind and brought back memories of the person I used to be, before my epiphany, before I decided that it was really time to grow up.

Now, I look at people who exhibit the behaviors I used to embrace so tightly, and I shake my head at their immaturity. Was that really me only a year ago? It has been a year...wow. The difference between 19 and 20 is really like going through the transition from 12 to 13 all over again. And it will continue, the learning and the growing...

The point is, I'm doing a personal inventory. I've grown so much, and I like the change I am seeing within myself, but more needs to be done. I need to be more attentive to my needs, not so much my wants. I need to be healthy, inside and out. I need to accept those things about myself that are beautiful and positive, and reject the things I do that will only bring me pain.

It's an ongoing process...more than a year in the making, and I am only now coming to terms with myself. With time, I will look at the whole picture and find no problem with what I see.

It's so close...but it'll take a lot to get there.

Zei gezunt.