Black cats and sleeper sofas...

So a black cat crossed my path today...like, half an hour ago.

10:30 at night.

I should have seen it about 12 hours before that - believe me, that is what this day warranted more than LIFE.

The saga of the couch, first off: yesterday, Julia and I took Chez's couch for her when she moved out after graduation. Julia was a shitshow; after all, I would be too if my big was graduating and then moving to ALASKA and then God knows where else. So we have this couch, and there's no place to put it for the night, since Julia and I didn't move into our new rooms until this afternoon. Narcisse was nice enough to help us move it to the hall outside my door, so we could keep it until the morning.

After we showered this morning, we're walking back down the hall toward my room and...the couch is gone. Now, this couch is particularly mischievous, but even it couldn't manage to run away by itself. So we go searching, and after 15 minutes or so find out that one of the Housekeeping guys absconded with it because "there was no tag on it". (Amy sorted that out later.) Luckily he hadn't pawned it off on anybody else yet, and he returned it.

So later this afternoon - we've been moving boxes and bins since 4 pm, first over here to Bashford and then over to Austin Manor. Finally, we're ready for the couch. Funny story: it won't fit in Julia's car. At all. So we called, frantically, EVERYBODY we knew. Diane is going to help us move it tomorrow, thanks be, but that also meant that we had to pick it up and carry it BACK into Welch after we had just spent 20 minutes putting it on a cart to drag it out. Oi.

And the air conditioning at Austin isn't working so we're here, in the Bash, waiting for tomorrow and not sure if we should laugh or cry.

Probably both.

What You Own

This studying thing really isn't all it's cracked up to be. Part of me feels like the old me, that I don't have to study and I'll do well.

...the new me has seen the test scores.

I've been in the library since Tuesday night, every day, for at least two hours.

Do I get a lot done? No.

But I do enough.

There's a study session this afternoon...and there's this guy, who's in my class, and I rather well like him. Please, oh please, I think he may like me too.

Or maybe he just needs to get laid. That's what I hear...

But he acts like he's at least a little interested. Oh well, we'll have fun. Or I'll have fun and forget all about him. That works for me too....

...maybe.

So I think I rather hate...

...this class. Which, of course, is Conduct of Political Inquiry. Thank God it's the last day.

Some thoughts...

So Rose Banquet was this evening; we sat there and listened to all the littles (and a big or two) talk about their graduating big (or little) and how wonderful they were, etc., ad nauseum, and it was a little painful because a: I didn't get to tell all of these amazing women how their absence would affect me, and b: Their absence is going to affect me. But Julia and I sang and didn't suck, nor did we cry, so all in all I would say it was a pretty successful endeavour.

Sam and I are almost speaking again. I say almost because we have posted on one another's walls in a courteous manner, but it is nowhere near the point where we are calling one another randomly to talk about our days. 'Tis sad, I admit, but I've decided (in fact, did so awhile ago) that I have no desire to worry about the pointless drama that goes on around me.

...I have enough pointless drama of my own.

DZ formal was last night, exactly a week after Chi Phi's formal. I had an amazing time at Chi Phi, drunkenness notwithstanding (children, I am no role model), but last night was lackadaisical to the point of sheer lameness. I kid you (whoever you are) not. It was more awkward...Imagine if you will first, being "asked" to go to a formal with a fraternity brother by his girlfriend, who has another engagement that evening and will not be able to attend until later.

But wait, things get more awkward, I promise. Then, once we're at formal, we proceed to both get ourselves respectably beyond the boundaries of sobriety, and continue past that point at breakneck speed. Through the course of the evening I hear "If I didn't have a girlfriend I'd be flirting with you right now" and "I really wish you were [insert girlfriend's name] right now." Now, none of this would have been particularly awkward for me...

[but, for reasons henceforth not discussed, it was.]

Last night rolls around, and I have not one, but two dates! Hooray for me! So they're both there, resplendent in their blue to match my blue...Alright, enough of that. The point is, I had two dates because I asked the first date out of fear that the second date would say no, then asked the second date when he told me at his formal that he was having a great time and that we should do it again. Okay, confusing enough.

And today my aunt Maryann had a stroke. I'm scared...she's so vivacious, so lively and full of energy...she's one of the tethers holding this family together. I don't want to lose her...I want to be at home right now with the rest of the family, not worrying about finals and papers and all of this other seemingly superficial stuff. I feel like a schmuck for worrying about my (lack of a) love life when she's fighting for her life.

I hate this.

Postscript

Greg and I definitely hit it off. In case anybody's wondering.

I can't wait for July...

Just a note:

You should have gotten that mirror today, because if anybody needs to learn how to laugh at herself it's you.

If you one day realized that the world doesn't revolve around you and that you don't always have to be in charge you would be a happier person. And so would the rest of us, because we wouldn't have to deal with your shit.

I'm definitely not a part of this three-part person anymore. If y'all want to be the same person that's great, but I'm feeling some self-on-self violence coming, and I don't want to be a part of that. Or a part of you.

Too bad we're still sisters. And it's sad that that's how I feel, but it's true.

Happy New Year...

I know it's an odd title...bear with me.

I'm giving up my vices... (It's from RENT.)

I've done a lot of thinking about different things over the past week or so. Really, more since Friday, but who's counting? Certain events have seared themselves in my mind and brought back memories of the person I used to be, before my epiphany, before I decided that it was really time to grow up.

Now, I look at people who exhibit the behaviors I used to embrace so tightly, and I shake my head at their immaturity. Was that really me only a year ago? It has been a year...wow. The difference between 19 and 20 is really like going through the transition from 12 to 13 all over again. And it will continue, the learning and the growing...

The point is, I'm doing a personal inventory. I've grown so much, and I like the change I am seeing within myself, but more needs to be done. I need to be more attentive to my needs, not so much my wants. I need to be healthy, inside and out. I need to accept those things about myself that are beautiful and positive, and reject the things I do that will only bring me pain.

It's an ongoing process...more than a year in the making, and I am only now coming to terms with myself. With time, I will look at the whole picture and find no problem with what I see.

It's so close...but it'll take a lot to get there.

Zei gezunt.

just some thoughts...

The weather has been amazing this weekend...even now, after dark, it's still warm and a little hazy when you walk outside. I've been walking around in a tank top and flip flops and taking my sweater off every time I even think about having it on in the sunshine.

I love the sunshine; it's been too long since I've seen it. The grass was so green, and the sky was blue and the smell of rain faded into the background to leave...spring.

Initiation was Thursday night - I'm finally a full-fledged sister of the Delta Zeta Sorority. I understand even more now about the step that I've taken. There are things I cannot share, secrets that are mine for the keeping, but the utter joy and exultation I feel just by being a part of something so spectacular is a secret that I couldn't keep if I tried...or if I even wanted to. I wish that everyone could find a place where their heart just feels so full and comfortable.

There have been so many benefits to this semester. Had I only realized during the fall just what I was missing by going home every single weekend...no wonder I didn't feel as if I belonged. I let others dictate to me what I should be and where I should go and I allowed myself to be lured into the notion that maybe coming to OWU wasn't the great thing I thought it was when I signed the forms last spring. Following that line of thought would have been one of the greatest mistakes of my life......

Ohio Wesleyan is amazing. In so many ways. I've had more of a chance to fulfill my potential as a leader in all sorts of different ways than I've ever had before. I have so many fabulous friends who are intelligent, quirky, and most of all who appreciate me for who I am rather than asking me to be something I'm most decidedly not. They don't try to change me, and they just...love me. Which is more than I can say for certain other people in my life.

So, I'm staying at OWU for the summer, working odd jobs on and off campus to make some extra money and basically stay away from home. I can't live there anymore...and I need to get ready for next summer, when my mom leaves me for Las Vegas and I move to the East Coast (hopefully Boston!) and I have to survive on my own.

Enough for now, but that's where my mind is.

Oh...and my ex boyfriend is a farshtinkener.

Spring Break '07

My, how things can change.


I know I said I was going to write about my whole weekend in Boston, but there's no way I could forget anything that happened that weekend - the good or the bad.

I got to see Greg again. We met first the week before President's Ball, in December, when he came down from Boston to visit. He is funny and nice and absolutely sardonic but not bigoted the way Chris is. (Note to self: don't compare.) He's coming down in two weeks to visit people, and I hope that maybe we'll be able to hit something off...

I loved being able to spend more time with my teammates and learn more about all of them. It was great to tour the city, and even the 20-hour bus ride we had to take in lieu of a return flight was an interesting experience.

Not everything was good, though. The first night Chris went off on me and called me a f***ing bitch/heartless whore, then screamed at me in the middle of the hallway at 1:30 in the morning, in front of the HNMUN staff and other people. It was embarrassing because of what he was saying, but nobody was really paying attention to that. He pissed off my friends, and he scared them. That crossed the line.


That brings us to Spring Break. Of course I had to come home, because that's where I live...and I had to deal with Chris again. Ugh, this is even too much to go through again. Let's just say that I'll never be able to rationalize having dated him. And I certainly hope that I can get him out of my life sooner rather than later...and make better relationship decisions in the future.


The biggest transition in my life is my faith. I've been studying Judaism for a short time now, and the other day while I was reading it clicked with me like it had only started to before. So, within a year's time I'll be facing the bet din, and joining the Jewish community! I couldn't be happier; the next year will be filled with new traditions, more study, and coming closer to God and myself in a way I hadn't thought possible.


Tomorrow I'll leave for Cincinnati, to have St. Patrick's Day with Kenzie, who I swear is my long-lost twin. After that, break will be over, and it's back to the grindstone.


I can't wait.

Going to Boston

This is a major traffic stop, to be sure. I'm sitting next to Kenzie at CMH (Port Columbus International) and our flight to Boston has been delayed an hour - as in, we should be boarding in the next five minutes and will not be doing so until about 12:35. It's exciting.
First, we couldn't dig my car out of the snow. By the time we did, it was 9:15 when we were loading the rest of the cars to leave. Of course, I had to stop at the bank to pull out money; thank God there wasn't a line. There was a woman walking out as I was walking in, and I was so tempted to move right past her but I just couldn't do it - even in a hurry, I can't be that deliberately rude to someone. At least there's something redeeming in my personality.
Valentine's Day wasn't anything to write home about either, though I did have some time to myself...and no classes.
Anywho, I'm going to continue leaving updates up here so I don't forget my big weekend in Boston. More later!

at the beginning

Thursday night I sat on the phone and finally broke up with Chris. Those orange blossoms I was smelling only months ago? They've wilted, and in their place has grown a desire to be free to find a complement to me, not necessarily romantically. I want to explore and enjoy the things that make me happy...I want to pursue my education and my career with the same passion that I used to have before I tied myself down to another person. And if I find someone with whom I find a connection and I feel like exploring that? Well...such is my decision and my right as well.
It isn't that I don't love Chris; however, I feel like the all-consuming love I had for him before blurred my vision so I couldn't see all of the not-so-pleasant truths about our relationship: I lost myself, just when I had found myself again. Coming to school has been an important step in regaining and retaining that wonderful person I found beneath the surface, and I won't let anybody ever take her away again.
I've also developed some interesting and fulfilling new friendships, even in the last two weeks. I went through formal sorority recruitment and finally joined Delta Zeta! Hooray, I'm a DZ! By pledging, I've gained more than 20 new sisters and deepened several friendships. I am surrounded by the love and support of good, beautiful people who I absolutely love in return. Again, this was a point of contention between Chris and me - he just couldn't see why I would feel so drawn to join a system that he only sees as "socially inadequate" and obsessed with partying. He'll never realize how wrong he is until he stops replacing observation with his own misconceptions.
Beyond that, McKenzie and Rob came back on-campus this semester and have taken Model UN back under their collective wing. I admit, I was a little leery of McKenzie shortly after I met her face-to-face. She's very focused, both on her school and on the direction she thinks Model UN should go, and she has it in her mind to be President next fall. I have heard nothing but bad things about her from Amanda and Jane; the thing is, though, I met Kenzie before I met anybody else at OWU. First her, then Andrew. And they complain about those two, where I've found two of the most amazing friendships. I absolutely love Kenzie, and I know that it's going to become a civil war in MUN toward the end - McKenzie and me v. Amanda, Jane and Elizabeth, and who knows where the other cards will fall.
We'll get through.
And that, as they say, is just the beginning.

The Secret's In The Telling

I feel comfortable enough opening up to you here. Well, that's probably because this is my sanctuary and you haven't been given leave to enter. Of course, I give you leave. You can come and see and dissect the pieces of my life if ever you get the urge...But you don't even know about this, do you?
No...and that's why I'm comfortable enough. Maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough to show you what's been written.
But not today.
Today is for truth, the truth I am too afraid to tell you face to face. As open as I am, I fear that at some point you may already have encountered it, even if it was cleverly disguised as something else. But we know each other...we understand each other. At least...we used to.
I fell in love with you five years ago - right about this time of year, in fact. Oh, I knew that I loved you before that and absolutely regardless, but until that point I figured it was rather like admiration or maybe the way I loved my youth leader or my dad - I even told you that, right? Let's just say, though, that my heart never pounded with attraction when I saw my dad first thing in the morning. I may be crazy, but I've never fallen that far.
Damn it. Even now I'm trying to go back and edit so that maybe it won't seem so bad...but I need to do this, and I need to be honest with myself.
Memories fly through my brain at odd times, whenever something happens or is said to remind me of you. Whenever I hear the music you like...whenever I watch the movies you told me about (which is often)...In fact, every time I write in my journal I remember that I never loved to write so much before I met you. I never thought that I had talent before you. I remember the first time we met...random afternoons just staying and talking to you...short little snippets of conversation in the middle of the day.
I remember calling you on a snow day - oh, do you remember who was with me? She was so angry by the end of that conversation. I know because while I was there I talked about doing it for probably an hour or more before I finally got up the nerve to do it.
There's more, so much more...how much do you remember? I know you remember, but most times I wonder if I'm the only one dwelling on the past. Now I can say that I'm not, because the other member of our little trio junior year misses you too...misses us.
That's the other big secret. I miss you. I wish that you were there to tell me that things are going to be okay, to assure me that somewhere in this world there is someone besides my family who actually cares what happens to me. And I wish I could be there to show you the same, because I do. I care about you far more than just about anybody else in my life. It makes me miserable to know you're hurting...
...which is how I get through the excuses most times. Everybody can understand sympathy; what lives inside me, however, nobody can.
Except maybe you.
Я вас люблю.

auld lang syne

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind... Or something like that.

Yes, it's 2007, a new year, and already the second day. Gee. I never would have realized that had I not chosen that exact moment to look at the clock on the screen. All days have become one day, one continuous cycle of wake, sleep, and do it all again.

Except for one: January 4.

That's right, Thursday. Nothing particularly special about this Thursday, above all others, save for the fact that I may finally - finally - get some of the answers I have been looking for. I thought perhaps I would get one or two when I went to the choir concert two weeks ago...but to no avail. I should have known that the one person I longed most to speak with would be closed off and more than unavailable for anything substantial.

I did, however, get something. Just the briefest indication that I was not imagining things, but right now I'll take that as a sign from above (or below) that I am not insane when I imagine that things are not as they seem, and have not been for quite some time.

I don't know what to do...but hopefully, when Thursday comes and goes I will figure it out.